Life Envy

Google images show the dramatic side. Wide green-eyed mascara streaks and silk dresses. Knives. Lots of knives. Beautiful women hugging themselves and staring at the camera with slightly parted lips. “Be envious,” they whisper. And maybe you are, maybe you aren't. The photo of the almost-nude model with the green-floss thong screams, “I am so uncomfortable right now!” more than anything else.

Real envy is not sexy. It is heavy and ill fitting. It burns too hot and numbs too wholly. It is irrational and incurable. It is all Facebook’s fault. 

In biblical times—those golden days when sins were easily defined and nobody thought all that much about the big picture—envy was limited to the material (“I wish my sheep were as woolly as Jebadiah’s” or “All the pretty girls are in Nebuchadnezzer’s harem”) and to the lover (exactly what you imagine and quite possibly the reason for so many knives. Modern polite society is much more subtle in its reactions). Today, people are as envious of their neighbors' iPads, as they were of their flocks, and of course, jealousy has never stopped rearing its scaly head in relationships. But there is a new envy on the scene. One that parades what you don’t have and what you don’t know on a never-ending news feed. Is there anything worse than imagining your soul mate with his tongue down another woman’s throat? Try seeing the former flame writing on your soul mate’s Facebook wall. ALL THE FRICKEN TIME! 

Yes, envy is a demon rooted in us all, but Facebook is the demon that stirs the coals. It taunts us with photos of exes, of enemies from high school that are now engaged with rocks big enough to pull floating objects into orbit, of lost best friends becoming famous while you sit in your bathrobe with a lukewarm cup of coffee and wonder if this is as good as it gets.  

Life envy. It’s all the rage. It doesn't matter if the ex-flame is only liking a picture of a t-rex trying to make a bed or that you know that the proper, the virtuous response would be to be happy for your loved ones' good fortunes. We are creatures of imagination and Facebook provides far too much fodder. Its magic mirror simultaneously displays millions of golden, compact, perfect little lives and your face, grey and tired, withering towards inevitable decay.

Buck up, my friend. There is hope.

Life Envy Remedy

·      Delete your Facebook

·      Make a fresh pot of coffee

·      Splash some whiskey in said coffee

·      Have an existential crisis

·      Stress bake

·      Repeat as needed

*Also, have you tried Twitter? @SadThingsHappen

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