Say
it like that and it sounds like a disease. Like, there were several painful hubris epidemics in Greece with generally fatal results. But just as modernity
has put a stop to the widespread destruction of most infections (though Zombie
is yet untested), it has also done away with the negative connotations of
hubris. And that’s something to take pride in.
Today,
your hubris is your ticket to success. The more you embrace the fact that you
are better than everybody else, the higher you will climb on the golden ladder
of polite society. Wrap yourself in hubris when you wake up in the morning.
Comb your hair with it; polish your brightly-colored sneakers. When you walk
down the street, smack everyone you pass in the face with it. Let your mantra
ring: I am King.
Do’s
and Don’t's
1.
Don’t make eye contact with anyone of lower-social-rung status. This can be
avoided even in situations concerning acquaintances. If you find yourself in
close proximity to someone you know, or even work with, simply stare straight
ahead and raise your hand in his or her direction as you pass by. This
acknowledgment is plenty generous and prevents the waste of time and breath
that a “good morning” or “how’s it hanging?” would entail. It is also a firm
reminder for them that a) you are king, and b) they are not.
- If you must interact with these people (generally an unfortunate aspect of the workplace), find something of interest in the room and keep your focus there while you address them. Speak simply and clearly, because no matter how experienced, hard working, dedicated, and intelligent they are, they cannot be trusted to be on your level. It is more motivating for them if you assume they are morons, because then their capable and efficient success will continuously surprise you.
2.
Don't make your whereabouts known. The best hubris is one of mystery, and a
god-like un-traceablily will lend to your aura. When you enter a building,
carefully note all entrances and exits and use them at unpredictable times. If
you spend a significant amount of time in the same building, vary your pattern
of entering and exiting.
- For example, in the middle of a meeting, put up a silent hand of goodbye and climb down the elevator shaft (don't use the actual elevator, as it is possible an untouchable would be inside, and you would have to stand next to them for three minutes). Wait fifteen minutes in the back alley, and then climb in your office window for your next meeting. This way, you not only create extreme intrigue and form yourself into a person of legend, but you also avoid walking past reception, the heartbeat of any working environment. If they don't know your whereabouts, no one will.
3.
Do surround yourself with some sort of posse. It might be helpful to hold
auditions in order to get the right balance of attractiveness, suaveness, brute
force, and quiet genius. Remember, the most important criteria is that no one
in the posse should be better looking than you. It is also helpful if some of
the posse members are musically inclined (see
number 4.). As much as you don’t need
anyone else, it can get lonely at the top.
Other
considerations:
- The optimal posse size is three to five people. You need enough to make it clear it is a posse, but not so many that it becomes overly obvious when you slowly infiltrate them into leading positions in all your work, community, and recreational activities. Some less hubris-y people might describe those actions as unethical, and while they are only jealous of your success and happiness, they can sometimes cause enough of a stink that is it more convenient to be as stealthy as possible about it.
- When going out on the town with your posse (a necessary and fun way to blow of some steam), you may find it helpful for your budget to use the tactics discussed in number 1 on bar and restaurant owners. Lack of eye contact and minimal conversation combined with your naturally cool demeanor will communicate that you are a local celebrity, and that your patronage of their establishment is in itself so valuable that you are entitled to free food and drinks. Also, remember to tip sparingly. Servers don't serve like they used to.
4.
Do start a band. You are already so cool, that the only possible way to be any
cooler is to be the lead singer in a band. If you would prefer not to sing, other possible instrument choices
are a) guitar, b) piano, c) saxophone, d) harmonica. Avoid playing drums, tuba,
or a washboard as these will actually diminish
your coolness factor. Leave the backup instruments to your
musically-inclined posse members.
5.
Lastly, do be wary of oracles and cross roads, avoid eating
beef, and please be careful not to sleep with your mother. History does tend to repeat itself sometimes.
