Honestly

Decades ago in an upscale department store, an irate middle-aged woman argued with the uncomfortable young lass at the counter. It was about some price, some transaction, some rude dressing room attendant or something that was just enough to push the innocent customer to the edge. There was violence in her eyes. She wanted blood.

"I'm so sorry," the flustered employee said for the fifteenth time, realizing that nothing she said was reaching through this woman's fury. It was time for the big guns. Time to get the manager. She was a tall redhead (Picture a Joan Harris type) with no-nonsense shoes and an equivocal smile. She battled for a few minutes, grew bored, and then threw up her hands with a dramatic "Of course, the customer is always right" and gave the woman her money back or a gift certificate or an ego boost or whatever it was that she so desperately, passionately, needed. It was meant as a snide remark—a veiled insult—but the customer missed the sarcasm, and to this day, knuckleheads around the world expect to be treated like gods everywhere from Olive Garden to the public parking garage, and employees take it with a forced smile and an acrid verbal attack once the perpetrator has exited the vicinity.

Politeness. Niceness. Customer service isn't the only field where these societal facades have replaced the belief that honesty is the best policy. The workplace, the gym, heck, family Christmases have all been infiltrated. The human race has been worrying about pretending to get along with people they can't stand for so long that we've lost the ability to express ourselves honestly anywhere other than behind the backs of the people that piss us off the most.

Would the world be a better place if we all told each other when we were acting like monkeys' behinds? Does the facade of politeness contribute to anything besides increasing disagreeable peoples' feelings of entitlement, creating generation upon generation of condescending, unreasonable sausage squashers?

People, wake up! There are waffles here for the taking.

The woman from the story, for example. One could argue that she wasn't at fault because she was simply spouting out her honest opinion at a high volume. This is true. It is also true that if the employee had said: "Hey, lady, you're kind of acting like a baboon. I'm willing to help you if you'd just settle the f down and let us have a civil exchange," that the already furious customer would have stabbed the employee in the neck with her umbrella. People in the customer service industry are all about avoiding escalation for this very reason. But what about the escalation of pent-up rage inside those trying to keep their mouths shut to avoid insulting anyone, or being mean, or coming across as a jerk? Society encourages being two-faced: one face smiling through a massive stinky dump of misplaced aggression and the other snarling. We all have pride. We all have the occasional urge to throat punch the people that poop on that pride. And the more the poop piles up, the more vivid the throat-punching fantasies become. We replay incidents in our heads adding witty insults and dramatic exits. We rehearse calculated retorts to made-up conversations. We get madder and madder about things the people we dislike haven't even done (yet). We make ourselves into time bombs.

The irate lady at the store? She hated the way a certain friend always commented on what she was eating. That rude waiter? Doesn't get along with his brother. That frowning intellectual? Is irritated to pieces by her coworker belittling her English degree. It's just a big, fat circle of repression spewing unhappiness and cynicism.

WHAT IF:
Being called out for being unreasonable wasn't an isolated incident, but THE NORM? What if instead of gossiping about ridiculous people, we all just said: "Hey, you're being ridiculous" and we didn't have to worry about making things awkward, causing a fight, or getting fired? Screw hierarchy, social norms, and business, let's just get real. Lives would change by making even the least-personal interactions more positive. We'd learn everything about ourselves —our flaws, our strengths, that we shouldn't shop when we're hungry, that we have room for improvement. 

It's a scary thought. We may not like what we find out. But honestly people, it might just be worth a shot.

Life Envy

Google images show the dramatic side. Wide green-eyed mascara streaks and silk dresses. Knives. Lots of knives. Beautiful women hugging themselves and staring at the camera with slightly parted lips. “Be envious,” they whisper. And maybe you are, maybe you aren't. The photo of the almost-nude model with the green-floss thong screams, “I am so uncomfortable right now!” more than anything else.

Real envy is not sexy. It is heavy and ill fitting. It burns too hot and numbs too wholly. It is irrational and incurable. It is all Facebook’s fault. 

In biblical times—those golden days when sins were easily defined and nobody thought all that much about the big picture—envy was limited to the material (“I wish my sheep were as woolly as Jebadiah’s” or “All the pretty girls are in Nebuchadnezzer’s harem”) and to the lover (exactly what you imagine and quite possibly the reason for so many knives. Modern polite society is much more subtle in its reactions). Today, people are as envious of their neighbors' iPads, as they were of their flocks, and of course, jealousy has never stopped rearing its scaly head in relationships. But there is a new envy on the scene. One that parades what you don’t have and what you don’t know on a never-ending news feed. Is there anything worse than imagining your soul mate with his tongue down another woman’s throat? Try seeing the former flame writing on your soul mate’s Facebook wall. ALL THE FRICKEN TIME! 

Yes, envy is a demon rooted in us all, but Facebook is the demon that stirs the coals. It taunts us with photos of exes, of enemies from high school that are now engaged with rocks big enough to pull floating objects into orbit, of lost best friends becoming famous while you sit in your bathrobe with a lukewarm cup of coffee and wonder if this is as good as it gets.  

Life envy. It’s all the rage. It doesn't matter if the ex-flame is only liking a picture of a t-rex trying to make a bed or that you know that the proper, the virtuous response would be to be happy for your loved ones' good fortunes. We are creatures of imagination and Facebook provides far too much fodder. Its magic mirror simultaneously displays millions of golden, compact, perfect little lives and your face, grey and tired, withering towards inevitable decay.

Buck up, my friend. There is hope.

Life Envy Remedy

·      Delete your Facebook

·      Make a fresh pot of coffee

·      Splash some whiskey in said coffee

·      Have an existential crisis

·      Stress bake

·      Repeat as needed

*Also, have you tried Twitter? @SadThingsHappen

·   

Hubris

Say it like that and it sounds like a disease. Like, there were several painful hubris epidemics in Greece with generally fatal results. But just as modernity has put a stop to the widespread destruction of most infections (though Zombie is yet untested), it has also done away with the negative connotations of hubris. And that’s something to take pride in.

Today, your hubris is your ticket to success. The more you embrace the fact that you are better than everybody else, the higher you will climb on the golden ladder of polite society. Wrap yourself in hubris when you wake up in the morning. Comb your hair with it; polish your brightly-colored sneakers. When you walk down the street, smack everyone you pass in the face with it. Let your mantra ring: I am King.

Do’s and Don’t's

1. Don’t make eye contact with anyone of lower-social-rung status. This can be avoided even in situations concerning acquaintances. If you find yourself in close proximity to someone you know, or even work with, simply stare straight ahead and raise your hand in his or her direction as you pass by. This acknowledgment is plenty generous and prevents the waste of time and breath that a “good morning” or “how’s it hanging?” would entail. It is also a firm reminder for them that a) you are king, and b) they are not.

• If you must interact with these people (generally an unfortunate aspect of the workplace), find something of interest in the room and keep your focus there while you address them. Speak simply and clearly, because no matter how experienced, hard working, dedicated, and intelligent they are, they cannot be trusted to be on your level. It is more motivating for them if you assume they are morons, because then their capable and efficient  success will continuously surprise you.

2.  Don't make your whereabouts known. The best hubris is one of mystery, and a god-like un-traceablily will lend to your aura. When you enter a building, carefully note all entrances and exits and use them at unpredictable times. If you spend a significant amount of time in the same building, vary your pattern of entering and exiting. 

• For example, in the middle of a meeting, put up a silent hand of goodbye and climb down the elevator shaft (don't use the actual elevator, as it is possible an untouchable would be inside, and you would have to stand next to them for three minutes). Wait fifteen minutes in the back alley, and then climb in your office window for your next meeting. This way, you not only create extreme intrigue and form yourself into a person of legend, but you also avoid walking past reception, the heartbeat of any working environment. If they don't know your whereabouts, no one will.

3.  Do surround yourself with some sort of posse. It might be helpful to hold auditions in order to get the right balance of attractiveness, suaveness, brute force, and quiet genius. Remember, the most important criteria is that no one in the posse should be better looking than you. It is also helpful if some of the posse members are musically inclined (see number 4.). As much as you don’t need anyone else, it can get lonely at the top.  

Other considerations:

•  The optimal posse size is three to five people. You need enough to make it clear it is a posse, but not so many that it becomes overly obvious when you slowly infiltrate them into leading positions in all your work, community, and recreational activities. Some less hubris-y people might describe those actions as unethical, and while they are only jealous of your success and happiness, they can sometimes cause enough of a stink that is it more convenient to be as stealthy as possible about it.
• When going out on the town with your posse (a necessary and fun way to blow of some steam), you may find it helpful for your budget to use the tactics discussed in number 1 on bar and restaurant owners. Lack of eye contact and minimal conversation combined with your naturally cool demeanor will communicate that you are a local celebrity, and that your patronage of their establishment is in itself so valuable that you are entitled to free food and drinks. Also, remember to tip sparingly. Servers don't serve like they used to.

4.  Do start a band. You are already so cool, that the only possible way to be any cooler is to be the lead singer in a band. If you would prefer not to sing, other possible instrument choices are a) guitar, b) piano, c) saxophone, d) harmonica. Avoid playing drums, tuba, or a washboard as these will actually diminish your coolness factor. Leave the backup instruments to your musically-inclined posse members.

5. Lastly, do be wary of oracles and cross roads, avoid eating beef, and please be careful not to sleep with your mother. History does tend to repeat itself sometimes.